My Sweet Thanksgiving Gift
by Susan Farmer
Copyrighted
It was the day before Thanksgiving. A while back my daughter had turned 18 and left home to become independent. She had also had a falling out with her parents for a little while. But despite my sadness at her leaving and our falling out, I had been trying to meet with her a couple of times a week. She was living about a half an hour away and it was Wednesday morning, the day before Thanksgiving. We had agreed to meet early that
morning, at six thirty a.m. And there I was, waiting at the appointed time, at the appointed place. Ten minutes later I was still waiting. I called her, but there was no answer, just a recording. Twenty minutes later I was still waiting and calling, but still no answer. Finally I called one of her friends and discovered she had indeed spent the night there. And finally, there she was, on the phone. "Thanks for telling me!" I said, upset. I had driven a half an hour, waited and waited, and she was a no show. Man, was I steaming mad. She said she was sorry, but it sounded like it was no big deal to her.
And that whole way back home I was sad, angry and very disappointed. So, I decided to call her again and let her know how I felt. But when I called I was told she had already left for her class. Man, what a day. What a way to start the day. So finally home once again and still seething,
I decided to turn on my computer. And then I checked my email.
And there it was. An apology from my sweet, sweet daughter. Her apology here seemed heartfelt and sincere, and I instantly forgave her.
As parents, trying to figure out and guide your teenager can sometimes seem so difficult and just so merciless. You can definitely feel like you are pounding your head against a rock. If you are reading this article and are having trouble with one of your teens, just realize you are not alone.
In fact in this post I am going to show you a few places you can go on the internet to read about other parents and their difficulties and solutions
regarding relationships with their teenage children. (Besides just reading about my dysfunctional family).
1. http://lds.org. Then click on gospel library. On the next screen click on search gospel library. On the next screen a search screen will come up.
Type in wayward child or wayward teen. Lots and lots of articles will come up that will give you lots of insight and parents sharing their .
experiences.
2. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psteens. Parents message board just looking for answers.
3. http://forums.familyeducation.com/topic/parenting/raising-teens. Another message board for Parents seeking help and solutions.
4. http://parentingteens.about.com/ Lots of articles here.
5. http://www.byparents-forparents.com/articles.html Lots of articles here too.
At least these internet sites can let you know you are not alone with your struggles to raise a teenager, which I know by experience can be
terribly rocky. And sometimes you can feel like a failure, humiliated , beat up emotionally, and crying a lot. But the thing to remember
is never give up. Sometimes when you don't know what to do inspiration can come in many ways. It can come from your Angels, from friends,
from what you read, sometimes just what feels like the right thing to do. Just make sure your decisions are tempered by love, patience,
and forgiveness.
Oh what was my Thanksgiving gift? My sweet, difficult, loving daughter gave me a heartfelt apology. It was a great gift on the day before Thanksgiving.
Warm wishes,
Susan Farmer
Monday, December 15, 2008
Do You Have An Outcast In Your Family?
If So, Heres What To Do!
by Susan Farmer
Copyrighted
Christy sat on in her college apartment. She sat in the kitchen, doing some homework. And when she was done with that, she would probably do some cleaning, then maybe watch a little t.v. She looked sadly down at her body. Well, she was a little overweight, maybe you could even call her plump. She wondered what her roommates were doing on this Friday night. She knew Kayla was out dancing, and Alison out on a date. Everyone was doing something fun. She didn't have many friends and she knew she wasn't the prettiest girl. Still, she sure would like to do something fun and have some friends. And she sure was lonely. Well, she thought, later I guess I'll just read a good book, maybe that mystery she had bought earlier in the day.
Then suddenly, there was a knock at the door. She jumped, startled! Who could that be? Cautiously, Christy opened the door. And there outside
were a dozen people, asking for her! Who were they? They lived in the apartment complex they said and were members of her church at college.
Some of the girls she recognized. They were all well dressed and clean cut kids. Smiling, they took out a blindfold and said they were kidnapping her.
They placed the blindfold over her eyes. "Where are we going?" she asked. "You'll see!" they replied.
Ten minutes later two cars pulled into a nice restaurant. All of them piled out and then carefully helped Christy. They held her hands and guided her into the restaurant. Then just inside they pulled off the blindfold. "Hungry?" their leader asked. This must have been prearranged because they were quickly led to a long table. They told her she was the guest of honor and to order anything she liked, it was all taken care of. Everyone sat down and began talking. everyone had lots of questions for her. The group included her in their conversations and made her feel like a princess. A light of happiness and joy came into her eyes that night. She was having so much fun that she didn't realize how much time had passed. And when it was all over, she was so happy, she couldn't thank her new friends enough.
When she got bank home to her apartment, to her surprise all of her roommates were there to welcome her. They had known all along they said.
And they were part of the plan.
Two weeks later, she was still talking about her adventure and how happy that had made her. Her roommates said that the kind gesture of
her thoughtful church group had even sparked some confidence and newfound self esteem and motivation.
Well. I hope you enjoyed the story. It really happened. I was one of the group who kidnapped her. And it was as wonderful for me as it was for her. I have never forgotten how happy she was by our gesture and how much fun itwas for all of us.
Now, what if you have someone in your family who has lost touch, and maybe even lives nearby. Well get the family together and kidnap your prodigal family member. And do something fun. And when that family member realizes that everyone is there out of love, that outcast will come around, maybe even melt right then and there.
It is always worth a try to reach out to family. Sometimes they may be on the wrong path, sometimes they may just have lost touch, sometimes
they may just think everyone in the family is just too mad to speak to him or her and will never forgive. Reaching out to this outcast family member
may be the very thing that turns their life around. And for sure they will never forget the gesture and the love.
Well you might ask, what kind of things should we try?
Well here are some ideas:
Restaurant
Bungee Jumping
Fishing
Camping
Swimming
Barbecue
Bowling
Boating
Beach
Boardwalk
Vacation somewhere
Charades
Baseball
Football
Basketball
Other Games
Picnic
Water Slide/Park
Well you get the idea. Just make sure that there is plenty of potential for lots of family interaction. Next try to plan regular family get
togethers and include the family outcast as well. When you take him/her home make sure your family member knows he or she is loved
and a part of the family. Reaching out takes effort, courage, and love. But in the end it will matter and your effort may be the one thing
that brings the family together.
Warmest wishes!
Susan Farmer
If So, Heres What To Do!
by Susan Farmer
Copyrighted
Christy sat on in her college apartment. She sat in the kitchen, doing some homework. And when she was done with that, she would probably do some cleaning, then maybe watch a little t.v. She looked sadly down at her body. Well, she was a little overweight, maybe you could even call her plump. She wondered what her roommates were doing on this Friday night. She knew Kayla was out dancing, and Alison out on a date. Everyone was doing something fun. She didn't have many friends and she knew she wasn't the prettiest girl. Still, she sure would like to do something fun and have some friends. And she sure was lonely. Well, she thought, later I guess I'll just read a good book, maybe that mystery she had bought earlier in the day.
Then suddenly, there was a knock at the door. She jumped, startled! Who could that be? Cautiously, Christy opened the door. And there outside
were a dozen people, asking for her! Who were they? They lived in the apartment complex they said and were members of her church at college.
Some of the girls she recognized. They were all well dressed and clean cut kids. Smiling, they took out a blindfold and said they were kidnapping her.
They placed the blindfold over her eyes. "Where are we going?" she asked. "You'll see!" they replied.
Ten minutes later two cars pulled into a nice restaurant. All of them piled out and then carefully helped Christy. They held her hands and guided her into the restaurant. Then just inside they pulled off the blindfold. "Hungry?" their leader asked. This must have been prearranged because they were quickly led to a long table. They told her she was the guest of honor and to order anything she liked, it was all taken care of. Everyone sat down and began talking. everyone had lots of questions for her. The group included her in their conversations and made her feel like a princess. A light of happiness and joy came into her eyes that night. She was having so much fun that she didn't realize how much time had passed. And when it was all over, she was so happy, she couldn't thank her new friends enough.
When she got bank home to her apartment, to her surprise all of her roommates were there to welcome her. They had known all along they said.
And they were part of the plan.
Two weeks later, she was still talking about her adventure and how happy that had made her. Her roommates said that the kind gesture of
her thoughtful church group had even sparked some confidence and newfound self esteem and motivation.
Well. I hope you enjoyed the story. It really happened. I was one of the group who kidnapped her. And it was as wonderful for me as it was for her. I have never forgotten how happy she was by our gesture and how much fun itwas for all of us.
Now, what if you have someone in your family who has lost touch, and maybe even lives nearby. Well get the family together and kidnap your prodigal family member. And do something fun. And when that family member realizes that everyone is there out of love, that outcast will come around, maybe even melt right then and there.
It is always worth a try to reach out to family. Sometimes they may be on the wrong path, sometimes they may just have lost touch, sometimes
they may just think everyone in the family is just too mad to speak to him or her and will never forgive. Reaching out to this outcast family member
may be the very thing that turns their life around. And for sure they will never forget the gesture and the love.
Well you might ask, what kind of things should we try?
Well here are some ideas:
Restaurant
Bungee Jumping
Fishing
Camping
Swimming
Barbecue
Bowling
Boating
Beach
Boardwalk
Vacation somewhere
Charades
Baseball
Football
Basketball
Other Games
Picnic
Water Slide/Park
Well you get the idea. Just make sure that there is plenty of potential for lots of family interaction. Next try to plan regular family get
togethers and include the family outcast as well. When you take him/her home make sure your family member knows he or she is loved
and a part of the family. Reaching out takes effort, courage, and love. But in the end it will matter and your effort may be the one thing
that brings the family together.
Warmest wishes!
Susan Farmer
Friday, November 21, 2008
Start Again!
Even if You Have A Dysfunctional Family
by Susan Farmer
Copyrighted
My husband and I lay cuddled together basking in our retreat. Our view drew our breath away. Great mountains rose up
and just outside our window was an amazing panoramic view of beautiful wild country. And in the background I heard Billy Idol's
song Start Again! And each time I heard the words "start again" a shiver of excitement ran through my veins like wildfire.
It was as if inspiration hit me like one of nature's tornados. I knew in an instant, that even families with troubles could start
again with the rise of the morning sun. I knew that despite problems, the gift of a new morning meant that you could always start
all over again, maybe this time with new insight, with new help from God's angels, or new help with a fresh attitude.
Then, just a short while later we watched on the television a show called "Intervention" In this particular episode an older gentleman
addicted to heroin told his story. He had two beautiful grown daughters, who talked with him on a regular basis. He had an ex-wife
who still held him dear, but was extremely sorrowful of the situation. He had a teenage son, who didn't ever know his father other than
as an addict. For ten long years this family suffered through with the father's addiction. But one thing struck me like a thunderbolt.
In spite of the horrific problems associated with the father's addiction, the family still spoke to each other and in addition they
still loved each other.
When a family falls apart, for whatever the reason, and it seems like there can be a million of them. Whether it is from rebellious teenagers
to drugs or alcohol addiction, to disloyalty, to having a child born with a handicap, to a family member becoming disabled, to financial difficulty
to pregnant teens, to runaway teens, to a host of other reasons, have the courage to keep talking. It can be so difficult and the pain can bring you to your knees. My husband and I have both been there. We have both felt the pain. But never give up. And never stop talking.
According to the U. S. Census records more than 60% of children are from divorced homes and 72% have a family member struggling with addiction. So what does that make the dysfunctional family? More common then we know. So now do you see why it is so important to never stop talking to family? Because during these times when families are so vulnerable and there is so much hurt and blame to go around, this is the critical time when families do tend to stop talking to each other. This is when they tend to break off into factions. For example, a child runs away, grows up, and starts a new family, and doesn't talk to his or her family at all. One year becomes many years. And so the cycle continues. It can happen to any family. Sometimes this pattern of not talking to family members can extend for generations. Don't let it. Stop it in its tracks. Reach out!
The key to preventing it and healing it if it has already happened is to talk. Communication and love is the key.
If you are a parent reach out to your child. If you are a child reach out to your parent. If you are a grandparent reach out to both your
children and grandchildren. If you are a cousin, aunt or uncle reach out to your family members. Sometimes harsh, mean, and nasty things
are said and so that is used as a reason not to talk or forgive a family member. But the most healing thing you can do is just talk.
Here is a way to start. I don't recommend email so much because an email is easier to dismiss than a phone call. You can't hear the raw emotion
and hear the sincerity, and feel the love like you can in a phone call or in person. In my humble opinion, start with a phone call or face to face visit. Say I just wanted to talk to you and let you know that I am so sorry for the way things are. I want to start talking again and to be a family again.
I want to tell you that I've missed you, and I'm sorry that we haven't talked in so long.
You might face rejection at first. But don't give up on family. All of us were born to a certain family for a reason. Dysfunctional or not, think of
it as a learning curve. And the pain? That too. Because if we can pull together as families the joy and happiness that will bring can be boundless.
If you live far away, use the phone. If you live close by, invite for an extended family get together. But just keep calling and inviting with love
and friendship and things will, with time, improve.
Here's the thing. When families break apart, at first you might have more peace, and you will think, aw, things are better now. More peaceful.
And so both sides may let time slip away without talking. But as time goes on, there will always be a sore spot in your heart that doesn't ever go
away. It will fester and when you least expect it, it will rise up. And pain will slam into you. And you will think, Oh God! I thought that went away. And then you will have to deal with the pain again and you will feel lost. So try, try, try to reach out to your families and above all don't give up.
With the dawn of a new day, start again!
Warmest wishes,
Susan Farmer
Even if You Have A Dysfunctional Family
by Susan Farmer
Copyrighted
My husband and I lay cuddled together basking in our retreat. Our view drew our breath away. Great mountains rose up
and just outside our window was an amazing panoramic view of beautiful wild country. And in the background I heard Billy Idol's
song Start Again! And each time I heard the words "start again" a shiver of excitement ran through my veins like wildfire.
It was as if inspiration hit me like one of nature's tornados. I knew in an instant, that even families with troubles could start
again with the rise of the morning sun. I knew that despite problems, the gift of a new morning meant that you could always start
all over again, maybe this time with new insight, with new help from God's angels, or new help with a fresh attitude.
Then, just a short while later we watched on the television a show called "Intervention" In this particular episode an older gentleman
addicted to heroin told his story. He had two beautiful grown daughters, who talked with him on a regular basis. He had an ex-wife
who still held him dear, but was extremely sorrowful of the situation. He had a teenage son, who didn't ever know his father other than
as an addict. For ten long years this family suffered through with the father's addiction. But one thing struck me like a thunderbolt.
In spite of the horrific problems associated with the father's addiction, the family still spoke to each other and in addition they
still loved each other.
When a family falls apart, for whatever the reason, and it seems like there can be a million of them. Whether it is from rebellious teenagers
to drugs or alcohol addiction, to disloyalty, to having a child born with a handicap, to a family member becoming disabled, to financial difficulty
to pregnant teens, to runaway teens, to a host of other reasons, have the courage to keep talking. It can be so difficult and the pain can bring you to your knees. My husband and I have both been there. We have both felt the pain. But never give up. And never stop talking.
According to the U. S. Census records more than 60% of children are from divorced homes and 72% have a family member struggling with addiction. So what does that make the dysfunctional family? More common then we know. So now do you see why it is so important to never stop talking to family? Because during these times when families are so vulnerable and there is so much hurt and blame to go around, this is the critical time when families do tend to stop talking to each other. This is when they tend to break off into factions. For example, a child runs away, grows up, and starts a new family, and doesn't talk to his or her family at all. One year becomes many years. And so the cycle continues. It can happen to any family. Sometimes this pattern of not talking to family members can extend for generations. Don't let it. Stop it in its tracks. Reach out!
The key to preventing it and healing it if it has already happened is to talk. Communication and love is the key.
If you are a parent reach out to your child. If you are a child reach out to your parent. If you are a grandparent reach out to both your
children and grandchildren. If you are a cousin, aunt or uncle reach out to your family members. Sometimes harsh, mean, and nasty things
are said and so that is used as a reason not to talk or forgive a family member. But the most healing thing you can do is just talk.
Here is a way to start. I don't recommend email so much because an email is easier to dismiss than a phone call. You can't hear the raw emotion
and hear the sincerity, and feel the love like you can in a phone call or in person. In my humble opinion, start with a phone call or face to face visit. Say I just wanted to talk to you and let you know that I am so sorry for the way things are. I want to start talking again and to be a family again.
I want to tell you that I've missed you, and I'm sorry that we haven't talked in so long.
You might face rejection at first. But don't give up on family. All of us were born to a certain family for a reason. Dysfunctional or not, think of
it as a learning curve. And the pain? That too. Because if we can pull together as families the joy and happiness that will bring can be boundless.
If you live far away, use the phone. If you live close by, invite for an extended family get together. But just keep calling and inviting with love
and friendship and things will, with time, improve.
Here's the thing. When families break apart, at first you might have more peace, and you will think, aw, things are better now. More peaceful.
And so both sides may let time slip away without talking. But as time goes on, there will always be a sore spot in your heart that doesn't ever go
away. It will fester and when you least expect it, it will rise up. And pain will slam into you. And you will think, Oh God! I thought that went away. And then you will have to deal with the pain again and you will feel lost. So try, try, try to reach out to your families and above all don't give up.
With the dawn of a new day, start again!
Warmest wishes,
Susan Farmer
Sunday, November 16, 2008
And Just Like That You Can Be Back On Track Just by Saying You are Sorry! By Susan Farmer
Oh Man! You get so pissed off you just want to slam something. You think this is it! Or maybe you're just on your period and you're mad just because somebody looked at you funny and it made you really, really mad! Well if you're a woman it can happen. But look here's the thing, if you are a guy or a woman, child or teenager, the words "I'm sorry!" are the two most powerful words in the human vocabulary.
If you have an argument with your spouse, and you both are rip-roaring mad at each other, take some space, some time to calm down (a few hours maybe) and then take the initiative to go up to your loved one, look into their eyes, and just say "I'm Sorry". And just like that you can be back on track. Why?
There is nothing more powerful than a heart felt "I'm Sorry!" Those two little words can make all the difference in a loving relationship.
If you are a child, don't be afraid to be the first one to approach your parent and just say sincerely "I'm Sorry". You might be surprised how fast those two powerful words can earn you a hug! Now you might have to be prepared if your parent says sorry for what? Well that might happen, so be prepared with a few answers. Really think about your situation and what caused the argument in the first place. Remember their are always two sides to every story, yours and theirs. You can always be sorry
for your part in it. For example, you might say I'm sorry, Mom for yelling at you and being disrespectful. You might also be asked how you were disrespectful, so be prepared for answers. Perhaps you used foul language or cursed at your mom or dad. That is something to acknowledge and just say, "I'm sorry!"
And just like that you can be back on track.
If you are a parent and you know your child is on the wrong track, and you just want to shake him or her, take a minute and think. See, you can still be the parent and say, "I'm sorry" because it is a powerful connector in family relationships. You can sit down with your child and say "I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now with us, your parents, who love you dearly. But see we are the parents and we do
make the rules and we do expect you to abide by these family rules. "I'm sorry you and I are not connecting right now because I want that more than anything. And then of course always let your child know how much they are loved. With children, especially teenagers, it might take them some time to get back on track, but using those two powerful words "I'm Sorry" can at least be a conversation opener and heart felt way to reach their hearts.
No matter what situation you are in, work, play, family, commutes or other situations, always try "I'm Sorry" first and try to be the peacemaker. You'll feel good about yourself and sometimes avert bad things happening, just by saying I'm sorry!
Now let me tell you a little story. One time, years and years ago, I left my dear husband in Las Vegas for losing too much money. I just got pissed off and left him high and dry. Well sort of. I called him about every half and hour to an hour as I just kept traveling towards Salt Lake. We fought like cats and dogs that day. So every little town I hit I called him. We didn't have cell phones back then, so each time I just called the casino, and they just said, "Ron, it's your wife again!" They got to know him by name. Well, I made it to Provo (about 400 miles north of Las Vegas) that day, and spent the night feeling completely miserable for leaving him. Well, when I took off with our truck, I had also taken off with his medication, which he badly needed. And since he lost all his money he didn't have a place to sleep or anything to eat. So the next morning, I called him again, and he was, wonderfully, still there, waiting for my call. I said, "I'm sorry!" And he said, "Come and get me" And I did. I left that morning and drove another 400 miles back to Vegas!
And just like that we were back on track. Now, still to this day he'll bring up that story and say 'Remember the time you left me in Vegas?" And I'll say "I know and I'm really really sorry!" And now we can laugh about it. But no matter how many times he brings it up, I always tell him I'm sorry.
And that is one of the most important lessons we can learn about saying I'm sorry. That is, the one you have offended might just bring it up from time to time. But just reassure them! And always say I'm sorry again. Even if you say it 500 times, 5000 times or more. After awhile, you can laugh about it, and it definitely cements your relationship.
They are two of the most bonding words in any relationship!
Warm Wishes!
Susan Farmer
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